


Faking It

by elliseleven



Category: NSA Intern (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Nonbinary Character, Queer Character, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:55:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28108926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elliseleven/pseuds/elliseleven
Summary: Alex had been struggling with their gender identity for a long time. Eventually, they settled on the label nonbinary. It felt right to them. But even so, they had to wonder if they were really transgender or if they were just faking it. Thankfully, their friend, Lincoln, was here to help.
Relationships: Lincoln Julison & Original Character(s)
Kudos: 1





	Faking It

**Author's Note:**

> thank you nabee for coming up with the title!

Despite them being roommates, Lincoln and Alex never got to see much of each other. Alex went out for work every day, and Lincoln usually ended up working late with his internship. 

He wished he could say he enjoyed his work, but it was mostly his determination to find something new with the people he was investigating. The endless running in circles was giving him a headache. He felt humiliated every time he reported back to HQ for the day and told them that he had found nothing related to terrorism with any of the subjects.

So he was glad when the weekend finally came, and he could have a break from work. Alex felt the same. Usually, they would get any housework done then watch a film. They wouldn’t talk much during it, but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that they had each other’s company.

The film they had both decided on was one neither of them had seen before, but Alex had mentioned they wanted to watch it a while back.

The storyline was centered on a trans woman and her transition journey. For both of them, it was interesting to see a trans experience from a different perspective, and the storyline was engaging as well.

However, as the film went on, and the main character opened up about her dysphoria, Alex began to feel uncomfortable. They knew that lots of trans people had dysphoria. It sounded like a terrible thing, of course, but it was something that was talked about a lot in the trans community. So much so, that some people didn’t consider others a real trans person if they didn’t have dysphoria. And Alex didn’t have that. So were they really trans or had they been faking it all this time?

This was something they had struggled with for a long time, ever since they started to question their gender. Most of the time, they could ignore the doubts in their head, but it was at times like this when it was difficult. 

The more they watched, the more upset they became. Seeing a trans person in a film was great, but they couldn’t relate to her at all. It made them feel fake.

They didn’t want to worry Lincoln by leaving the room, so they continued to watch. There came a point though where they were bound to draw attention.

Lincoln heard sniffing beside him, and then Alex got up from the sofa.

He looked up to them and frowned. “Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing.” Alex didn’t even look at him before leaving the room.

Lincoln looked on in confusion. Had the film been too much for them? He wasn’t sure why it would be. It seemed fine enough to him, and there was even a trans person as the main character. What wasn’t there to like?

He continued to watch the film, hoping Alex just wanted to be left alone for a while, and they’d come back downstairs soon. But after around half an hour, Lincoln began to worry.

He went over to their bedroom and knocked on the door. He knocked quietly, but Alex still seemed to hear.

“Go away.”

Alex had never said that to him before, so it stung. He didn’t want to leave them alone though, especially when it was clear something was wrong.

“Alex, I just want to know what’s wrong.”

“I’m fine.”

_ Clearly not,  _ he thought.

Despite Alex telling him to go away, Lincoln opened their bedroom door.   
Alex immediately turned away from him, but it was obvious they had been crying. He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Alex cry.

Lincoln stood there for a while, waiting for them to speak. When it was clear they had nothing to say, he walked over and sat in a chair next to the bed. Alex still didn’t look at him.

“I’m not gonna leave until you tell me what’s wrong.”

Alex didn’t reply, but Lincoln was a patient man. He waited until they finally turned to face him.

“I hate how persistent you are sometimes,” they chuckled. A stray tear ran down their cheek.

“So are you gonna tell me or…?”

They sighed dramatically, making Lincoln smile. “Alright, alright. I’ll tell you. Just… don’t laugh, okay?”

Lincoln looked quizzically at them. Why would he ever laugh at something that was bothering his friend? “Alex, I would never.”

They took a deep breath “Okay. I just got upset because of the trans person in the film.”

Lincoln frowned. “Why?”

“She just clearly had dysphoria, and… I don’t.” Alex looked away from him and at their hands. They’d never told anyone about this before. All they wanted was for the floor to open up and swallow them.

Lincoln looked at them, confused. “Sorry, I still don’t get it.”

They giggled, despite their previous hostility. “ _ Of course _ you didn’t. Um, sorry,” they quickly added after Lincoln gave them a look.

He smiled in return. “I was only joking.”

After some silence, Alex quickly realized they needed to continue explaining. “So I’m not out at work, as you know, and I keep getting called a guy.”

They fell silent, but Lincoln nodded for them to continue.

“Most trans people would hate that, but I don’t really mind it. I would obviously prefer to be called ‘they’ or just a person, but I can deal with being called differently. I just… feel like I should hate being called a guy or ‘he’ or whatever.”

Lincoln frowned. His best friend thinking they should hate themself for any reason sounded absurd. “I don’t understand.”

Alex laughed hollowly. “Yeah, me neither. But trans people have dysphoria, right? They hate their birth name and their body and all that, and I don’t feel like that at all. I have no dysphoria, so am I even trans at this point?” They furiously blinked back tears. They wished they didn’t have to be different from everyone else. Being nonbinary was already different enough. Why did they then have to be even  _ more  _ different?

Lincoln quickly jumped in before Alex could start crying again. “Of course, you’re trans! You literally came out to your whole family, and all your friends too. And I know how big of a deal that is. So why would you lie about that? I mean, I’m not saying people  _ do  _ that but-”

“I know,” Alex sighed. They usually could tolerate Lincoln’s ramblings, but there were too many thoughts in their head right now. They couldn’t deal with Lincoln’s too, telling him things they already knew.

“But my  _ point  _ is,” Lincoln continued, “from what I’ve seen and from what you’ve told me, everything points to you being non-binary or trans or whatever you want to call yourself. Who cares if you don’t hate yourself? Surely, that’s a good thing!”

“I guess so…” They knew that Lincoln was right - of course, he was - but that didn’t mean they believed him. “That’s not what everyone else says though.”

“Have you had someone say that to you?” It hurt him to think that someone could’ve said something like that to Alex.

“Not directly, but I follow a lot of trans people on Twitter, and some people have those views.” They tried not to show it, but Lincoln could tell it hurt them to think about it. 

“Well, unfollow them then.” It came out more aggressively than he had intended, but he still stood by those words. “If they say things like that, then you don’t have to listen.”

“But I’m friends with them. I’d feel bad just unfollowing them out of the blue.”

Lincoln sighed. He wasn’t frustrated with Alex; he was frustrated that they were too kind. One of these days, he should teach them how to stand up for themself. “Alright. How about you talk to them and say that you’re not comfortable with the views they have on trans people. If they give you shit for it, then they weren’t your real friend in the first place.”

Alex smiled. It was only slight, but Lincoln noticed. He couldn’t help but grin. He hated to see Alex feeling down, so it made his day to see them happier, if only by a little.

“You’re right,” Alex said. “I should probably do that. Then I can get some better friends.”

At that, Lincoln pretended to pout. “Hey, what about me? Am I not good enough?”

“I guess you’ll do for now, even if you’re cis,” they smirked.

Lincoln chuckled. He was glad that Alex was back to their old self. “I am queer though, if that counts for anything.”

They smiled. “Yeah, but it’s not quite the same, you know? You do your best to understand though, and I appreciate that a lot.”

“Aw, thanks, dude.”

They both sat in silence while Alex dried their tears and took a drink from the glass of water on their bedside table. All that crying had given them a headache.

Lincoln cleared his throat to break the silence. “So, I’m guessing you don’t want to watch the rest of that film?”

They both laughed. The answer was clearly obvious.

“Yeah, not really,” Alex said. “You can keep watching it if you want. I can stay up here until it’s finished.”

“I only watched it because you wanted to! We can watch something else.”

Alex was tired of talking, so they didn’t bother to argue. “Alright.”

They both stood up and, without warning, Alex caught Lincoln in a hug. Hugging was a common thing between the two of them, but it still caught him by surprise.

“What’s this for?” he asked.

“I felt like shit earlier, but talking about this all with you really helped. So I was just trying to say thanks.”

“Oh, well, you’re very welcome. I’m just happy that you’re feeling better.”

They hugged for a bit longer, then decided to go back to the living room again. The film from before had been paused, but Lincoln turned it off quickly. He didn’t want Alex to be reminded of it, especially since they had only just stopped crying.

They ended up just watching a random TV show instead. Neither of them paid much attention since they talked for most of it. They talked about mundane things, like work or plans they had next week, but they enjoyed talking to each other regardless of the topic. Lincoln was just happy that Alex was smiling again. 

He hoped they would keep that up for a long time, but if they ever fell sad again, he knew that he would do whatever he had to to be there for them.

**Author's Note:**

> i kinda wrote this as a vent fic because i struggle with some of the things alex is struggling with here. i don’t have the same experiences as alex since i do experience social dysphoria, but it’s not severe, and i also don’t experience much physical dysphoria. so i sometimes doubt if i really am trans because of that. this fic is basically me telling myself that i’m still trans even if i don’t experience dysphoria as often as other trans people, if at all. Also if anyone else happens to read this who is the same as alex or me and you consider yourself trans, then you are! you’re as valid as any other trans person, and if anyone disagrees with that then they can fight me


End file.
